Ever wonder how people manage to make 1000+ word speeches in front of an august gathering without fumbling with their words or stammering? It is truly a superpower to survive among PEOPLE without saying or doing anything even remotely embarrassing. For socially awkward people like I, it is a common occurrence for us to trip over own feet, fall into gutters or manholes and open our umbrellas right into other people’s faces. We simply can’t help it!
Here are a few socially awkward situations with which most of us strange beings can relate with on an entirely different level of belongingness and solidarity.
1. Entering a packed bus/room
You board the bus and see that it’s crammed up, with hardly any space left for you to walk. But your heart does a little celebration inside as you already have a reservation and you won’t have to stand among sweaty, burly men. You make your way through the crowd and spot your seat from afar. BUT YOU SEE SOMEONE’S DUFFEL BAG LUXURIOUSLY ENJOYING THE RIDE ON YOUR SEAT. Your heart beats faster than ever and your palms get hella sweaty. Oh no. You stand there midway, wondering and calculating, anticipating and formulating. Guess you’d have to travel standing up. Just 5 hours, hehe, you can manage that, right? RIGHT? It’s FIIIINE. Let the people glare and burn holes into your socially awkward soul…
2. Not leaving your private quarters until the coast is clear
You’re out of Nutella and you haven’t taken a bath yet. It’s 1 in the afternoon on a lazy Sunday. The sun is overhead beating down on you with its full might and intensity. Who’d be out at this hour? Pfft. Dogs and cats, mostly. You pull up your least embarrassing pajamas and chappals and just as you’re about to leave your apartment, you spot that OVER-INDULGING, SUPER SUSPICIOUS UNCLE WITH A BAD BREATH. Oh boy. You sprint back inside and your elevated hearing warns you of the danger that surrounds you. You wait for it to pass and cautiously step out the door once again. AAAWW YISS. The coast is clear. Time to make a move! Once you reach the supermarket, you bump into your ex-boyfriend, your crush from high school and that annoying freak who stalks you. This would be the perfect time for the walls to close in on you…PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE!
3. When you just can’t get yourself to ask for someone’s digits
You are having a blast at your friend’s birthday bash and you have met an awesome sauce person who shows potential to be your partner in crime. However, it’s late for them and they’ve already called the Uber and you just can’t ask them to stay a little while longer, because…..why would you? You rarely make requests. So you make a conscious effort to ask them for their number but they’re in a hurry and they just don’t seem to notice the sweat beads forming on your forehead. So there you are. They’ve left the party and you’re standing there in the middle of the hallway with a half eaten taco in your hand. Crickets are chirping in the background. YOU JUST LOST A FRIEND. The next best thing you do is vent to your friend’s dog on the kitchen floor. Or if you do somehow get their number from your friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s best friend, you just can’t utter a word. Why are you so socially awkward.
4. Humans VS Non-humans
Don’t you just love it when you can sing to, cry in the presence of and share jokes with your pets because they don’t understand any of it and cannot for the LIFE OF YOU detect your inability to survive among homo sapiens? That, right there, is your comfort level. It’s like a snuggly warm blanket and a hot cup of coffee. You can be at your awkward self and trip over rolled up carpets like the weirdo you are AND THEY WON’T SAY A WORD OR REACT TO IT. SPLENDID. The sun and the stars and the moon have finally aligned in a perfect way in your socially awkward favor. Time to celebrate!
5. When your friend cries
If your friend cries on the phone, it’s all chill because they can’t possibly spot you wringing your hands and you’re you internally screaming. But when it’s in person, you constantly think of ways to comfort them but YOU BEING YOUR SOCIALLY AWKWARD SELF, your solutions to their problems only intensify the levels of hurt and heartache. Like the blithering buffoon you are, your clueless sorry ass finds ways to get out of the room and run for dear life. Like a robot, you go in for a hug and accidentally hit them in the eye. RUN. RUN. Go be with your people. Your planet has hit the gong for you.
6. Restaurant crisis
You’ve booked a table at the newest, poshest restaurant in town and you can’t wait to stuff your mouth with food. You have successfully placed an order without erring or stuttering which is pretty good for your socially awkward ass and can’t wait for the gorgeous reward to arrive at your table. Right when the waiter sets the dishes down and wishes you BON APPETIT, you utter ‘YOU TOO’. That’s it. You set your cutlery down, silently push your chair back and FLEE THE SCENE OF CRIME. It was a murder out there. You can never go back there. Your money went down the drain but at least no one saw you awkwardly tip toeing out of the restaurant. That’s quite a respite. Time to go home to your pets and munch on chocolate chip cookies.
7. It feels like everyone’s watching you
You’re casually sauntering down the street after partially winning at life and you suddenly become self- aware. Is there something on your face? Why is that man staring at you? Did a bird just poop on your head? Is it something about my swagger? Oh, Sweet Lord in Heaven. Your casual demeanor is now DANGEROUSLY embarrassing. That man just looked at you again! Your pace gets quicker; your walk gets stranger. There are several cameras on you right now. Is that a walky-talky in his hand? *RUN*. Oh, this socially awkward life is a mess.
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